


Hollow in My Chest

by prefertheconsultingdetective



Category: The Hobbit RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24787999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prefertheconsultingdetective/pseuds/prefertheconsultingdetective
Summary: Lee and Richard meet again in Germany. Old feelings dare to resurface.
Relationships: Richard Armitage/Lee Pace
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Hollow in My Chest

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT just after I posted this I found out Richard sort of came out?? And I've decided not to continue this, then. I am immensely happy for him, but find it really heartbreaking at the same time that he says the death of his mother made him live a freer (?? lol) life. I have nothing but love for both Lee and Richard and I feel stupid and overstepping with this. I will keep it up here because i wrote it without all this "knowledge", but it'll be just this standalone thing now
> 
> this is a stretch, but let's assume covid didn't happen… i am hoping this will have around 2,3 chapters, i don't actually think anyone from the old crew is around, but holla at me if you are  
> no idea how they would have handled richard’s absence in vanya, im guessing a lot of people would have been very sad if they mainly came for him (nonetheless i think it would have been worth it, toby jones is amazing and the whole ensemble does a great job, i especially loved the stage design… anyone hear who saw it and wants to talk about it??)

> Baby, hold me
> 
> I'm looking for a little bit of honesty
> 
> Take me, slowly
> 
> Give me just a little, baby, promise me
> 
> There's a hollow in my chest
> 
> And you can take whatever's left
> 
> Baby, maybe
> 
> You could give me just a little bit of honesty

> [ Honesty - Halsey ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-y3dUjONTac&list=RD-y3dUjONTac&start_radio=1)

“I read that article.” Richard says. They are standing on the side of a big hall in Bonn. Surrounded by colleagues and fans, there’s some pop music playing and lots of people are happily dancing the night away. They’ve been civil for the whole day, politely inquiring for the basic facts; _how are you doing, how's the dogs, i'm sorry about your mother -_

They haven’t seen each other in 3 years, but suddenly Richard’s voice sounds real and honest. 

“I am happy you can finally live your life how you want to. Without anybody holding you back.”

*

The weeks leading up to the convention have been unremarkable. Lee was shooting in Ireland, he read some scripts, liked very few and spend most of his time rummaging around on the farm. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he anticipated going to Germany, not only in the good sense. His manager had told him straight away when Richard was also confirmed and then told him again when it was unsure. Lee had felt both relief and disappointment.  
Richard and him had separated amicable but painfully. Its still painful to think about it, so mostly he doesn't. He is fairly sure Richard never does. 

There had been weeks of organizing Richard's stuff being moved out of the farm, lee had wanted to give him the city apartment all for himself, but in the end Richard decided to move back to England fully. It had stung, because it basically ruled out any trials for reconciliation, but probably it had been for the best. 

The world didn’t stop, life continued and it turned out that even if the best thing you thought you knew broke, you could still keep on walking. 

Still, unrelated to any romantic heartbreak issues, Lee did miss Richard, missed their long talks and camerady. There certainly was a big spark of joy for the possibility of being able to have that again. Even if it was only for a weekend. 

They hadn’t kept contact during the years. In the beginning they had tried and when Lee had to read on twitter that Margarete died it had stinged. He’d thought about reaching out, but decided against it. Unknowing what to say, how to console someone you used to know so intimately, but haven’t talked to in ages. 

Richard never really fades away in the same way other partners did. He’s always there, in the back of Lee’s mind. Maybe just because he really had thought that he was the one. But maybe that is all just bullshit after all.

*

Matt knows. Of course. They’ve been honest and open with pretty much everything of their respective pasts. He knows that Richard and Lee had an amazing time in New Zealand and a wonderful life together in New York. He also knows that living semi hidden and overly private put a strain on their relationship, both growing overly anxious in public until the disagreement of how their relationship should progress had been to big. 

Lee had thought of a family, settling even more, they had the house and the space. They also had the love he’d thought, but maybe he asked too much.

So Matt knows that Lee is going to meet his ex and he knows him well enough to see that he is a little nervous about it. But who wouldn’t. They don’t really talk about it. Once briefly touched the subject after dinner and a couple of glasses of wine. 

“I don’t really know what to expect.” Lee shrugged and it's true. He doesn’t know what to expect from Richard. And himself. Will it hurt, to see him, after all this time? Or will it be helpful - to meet and chat and see that everything has changed, that everything is fine, that they can be friends. 

“It's going to be okay, he seems really nice.” Matt said and means well while Lee didn’t know if he himself did. 

*

Conventions are fun. Lee likes the direct contact with fans that's more than just singing and smiling for pictures like at a premiere. The photo ops can be awkward and a little exhausting, but everyone is always very respectful and friendly.

There’s a girl asking a question about The Fall and he always loves talking about that movie.

When he is about to meet Richard it’s in a sort of backstage room where the guests can hang out and relax a bit between appearances and talks. 

Lee is being accompanied by someone from his team (mostly as an indulgence because this girl had german in high school and she will stay for a holiday after). There was someone picking them up at the airport and driving them to Bonn, showing them around and explaining the schedule. So Lee knows there’ll be a party later that everyone will attend and that usually everyone enjoys a lot. He has seen pictures of Dean and Graham dancing in a crowd. He feels like every dwarf has been at this con and it feels unsettling that Richard and himself have to do t now, after all those years. Alone, without the comfort of the whole cast.

So he’s been kicking around in that backstage, drinking 2 coffees, which was a bad idea because now he feels jittery and nervous - _duh -_ when Richard finally enters. Lee has known he must have been here, but between his own first picture session and the talk on stage he has later they didn’t cross paths yet. Lee was sitting with Miranda, making polite smalltalk about shared experiences when the door opens. His anxiety skyrockets from medium to really fucking high instantly. 

Richard looks great. He’s wearing a smart jacket and looks like an straight up fantasy of their old times, with his longer hair and trimmed beard. Lee isn’t surprised by his sudden surge of attraction but the intensity hits him hard. 

He goes around shaking hands, looking sincere and dreamy when he greets Miranda. “So nice to meet you,” he says in the low voice of his. 

After Miranda comes Lee, so he gets up and there’s the brief internal struggle of should we hug, isn’t that awkward?

But then Richard pulls Lee in a short, impersonal hug. Richard smells just like he always did, dark and musky and really, really good. 

“Hey Lee,” he says and smiles, it's a bit too cheery Lee thinks. It’s the publicity smile, but it's okay, because this is not private. 

“Nice to see you.” Lee tries and even though it is the truth this is absolute unknown terrain and Miranda standing next to them, smiling unknowingly doesn’t help at all. 

“I saw you almost couldn’t make it.” she says and Richard turns his head to her. He is still smiling but seems grateful for the interruption. But maybe that’s just Lee’s imagination, because who is he to guess these things after all this time?

“Yes, it’s true. But luckily we were able to move some things around and my understudy is happily replacing me.”

“Well, I remember being an understudy and desperately hoping for the lead to get sick.” Lee laughs. This is good, this is work, they can joke about this. 

”Haven’t we all been there?” Miranda nods. “Did you have tea yet? There’s a lovely little buffet of beverages and snacks in the corner.” She points towards the wall behind Richard. 

“Wonderful, I will definitely do that.” he nods at Lee and then goes over to the table.

Miranda sits down again. “Oh, isn’t it great how old friends get reunited through these things?” 

Wonderful indeed. 

*

Richard goes over to chat with Craig Parker and some one from the con team. He doesn’t come back over until Lee has to go upstairs for his photo shoot.

When he comes down again later Richard is on stage. Lee watches on a monitor how the same girl that asked him about The Fall asks about Richard’s preferences regarding stage or camera, but like most actors that work in both fields he says he can’t decide. He expresses himself just as thoughtful and intelligent as always, but with his usual cheeky humour. 

There’s the old jokes about dwarf prosthetics and bathrooms and the audience is roaring, thankful for old tidbits even if they are mostly known. 

Richard says he is still thinking very fondly of the experience of filming in New Zealand, the gratitude he feels towards all the people he got to know and the journey they all took together. 

Lee thinks of shared bottles of wines and awkward sex in trailers, fueled by fresh infatuation and sexual tension building up between takes. He thinks of the hike he took when he wasn’t needed on set, sitting in front of his small tent in the middle of Tongariro National Park, basically facing Mt Doom. he thinks of trying to text Richard during the night, complaining about german backpackers and his hard mattress. Realising that he was falling in love and letting the feeling wash over him. 

It was probably one of the most perfect and fulfilling times of his life. He knows Richard felt the same. Hopes he still does. 

He leaves the room when the feelings get a little too overbearing. 

Lee exchanges a few texts with matt, telling him how it's going and sends a few pictures to Sally. 

He tries not to hover in the backstage when he doesn’t have anything to do, but he doesn’t feel like walking around through the crowd. 

While he is eating a sandwich RIchard enters the room and comes to stand next to him at the buffet. Lee considers going to sit somewhere else, but it seems childish so he stays and just keeps eating. 

“I am famished.” Richard says and grabs a sandwich himself. 

“There’s also turkey,” Lee says because it’s Richard’s favorit. 

“Thanks, but I am trying to be a bit of a vegetarian.” he says and takes a bite. 

“Oh, I didn’t know.” Lee says stupidly.. How should he. 

They chew in silence for a moment. 

“What does that even mean? A bit?” Lee asks after a while, pondering what to say. 

“I guess it means that that's all I am doing, trying to eat mostly vegetarian, but I have my missteps. Just trying to do them in a controlled manner when I know where the meat comes from.”

“Makes sense.” Lee wipes his mouth with a tissue. 

“How are you doing?” he asks because Richard can’t expect him not to. 

“I’m great, actually. It’s wonderful to be on stage again, I really am enjoying it.” Richard smiles. “I’m sure you understand. I read great things about Angels in America.” 

“Oh yeah. Definitely. It was - “ Lee thinks. Balls the tissue in his hand. It was great, felt a bit like a personal breakthrough. Finally, even though unwillingly coming out, but it did make life a bit better, in a weird way. Sometimes it was a little painful, too, Lee spend a lot of time thinking of Richard and their recurring discussions regarding privacy and how to handle their future. 

“It was great.” he finally finishes and smiles. 

They keep chatting for a bit. Talking about respective projects, Richard’s love for reading audiobooks and how he started optioning some of the ones he really liked. Lee is happy for him. He seems relaxed and at ease. They have never talked about it bluntly but he often thought Richard felt overlooked. All his hard work, pain and souls being poured in all of his projects going mostly unnoticed. Lee certainly always felt that way for him, for him Richard is one of the best actors he knows. He remembers feeling so affronted when Richard didn’t win the Olivier Award.

It's a nice talk, polite without being too formal, but they certainly stay clear of each other’s private lives. Maybe that’s the only way it can be done. 

When Richard excuses himself his smile looks more warm than it did in the morning and when Lee finally goes to sit in the corner to check his phone again he isn’t thinking about Matt whose last text is still unread on the display. 

There’s a part of him that would like to go after Richard and talk about their past. Ask how he is really doing. If he has someone, just like Lee does. 

He feels his resolve starting to crumble. Usually he tries to be very honest with himself, repressing emotions usually leads to nothing (if you are lucky), but can cause a big bad mess (most likely), but the memories of Richard have been firmly tucked away. Far away over the ocean, just like the man himself. There’s no indication Richard feels the same, but Lee knows if Richard where to make a move, Lee would take the next step with him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I listened mainly to 3 songs while writing this and one was that Halsey demo and the other are two new Dido songs;
>
>> And I wanna see you as you walk through the door  
> And time will make us, some ways less and some ways more  
> And I wanna talk of nothing as the world passes by  
> And I wanna think, but not to say  
> Let me face the sound and fury  
> Let me face hurricanes
>> 
>> [Hurricanes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mfladpK0AA)
>> 
>> Sun is hanging low across the street  
> As we're fighting, loving, talking in the heat  
> We’re all walking home barely  
> Everyday we'll meet, everyday we'll meet  
> Do the same  
> I can sing you a song, take you home  
> But I can’t seem to find my own  
> I can sing you a song, take you home  
> But I can't seem to find my way home
>> 
>> [Take You Home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTXCuJMo118)


End file.
